The Courage to be Disliked

How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

Written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, published by Penguin is less of a self-help book and more of psychological analysis of our mind’s decision making process.

The book introduces Alfred Adler, a psychology academician and thinker who forms a trio along with two other towering pillars of psychology namely Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud.

The bookwhich is in question-answer format, is discussion between a philosopher who had stern belief that the world is simple and happiness is achievable by everyone and his pupil who finds the world as chaotic and concepts of happiness as absurd.

The book is divided into 5 chapters titled on the nights spent on discussions between the philosopher and pupil. In the first night, the discussion on Trauma and happiness is the key topic where philosopher states that everyone can be happy and trauma can be skipped.

On the second night, the discussion is focused on the interpersonal relationships and way to solve problems using the same. The philosopher states that being alone and being lonely is different. Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a dep sense of being excluded from them. To feel lonely, we need other people. It is only in social contexts that a person becomes an ‘individual.’ He adds that this concept is very root of Adlerian psychology. That is if a person is all alone in the universe, then all the problems will vanish. Further he delves upon the concept of superiority complex and identifies people who always brag about their past, exaggerating their work experience or highlight their achievements always as suffering from the same complex. He elaborated on competition as to why people who succeed in their life and always on top are not in peace. They cannot trust people as they want to win at all costs and even in society they live in competition world. In power struggle to revenge, he differentiated between personal anger and indignation about society’s contradictions and injustices. Personal anger cools down but not the latter. Anger is tool used by people to submit to their power. Hence hence we should not engage into power struggles. When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. Anger is form of communication who do not have language of logic.

He mentions, "In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instance, she does not care for the way he eats, even his snoring sets her off. Even though until a few months ago, none of it had ever bothered her before."

Philosopher adds, "the persons feel this way because at some stage she has resolved to herself, I want to end this relationship, and she has been looking around for the material with which to end it. The other person has not changed at all. It is her own goal that has changed. Look people are extremely selfish creatures who can find any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them."

On the Third night, the discussion is revolving around “other people’s task” in which how to manage other people’s expectation and recognition is predominate. In the fourth night the discussion “where the center of the world is,’ the philosopher states that forming a good interpersonal relationship requires a certain degree of distance; while people who get too close end up not even being able to speak to ach other; it is not good to go too far part either.

The concepts of life tasks, life-lies, desire for recognition, power struggle, interpersonal relationhips are key learnings of the book.

In the last and fifth night discussion revolves around “to live in earnest in the here and now.”

Adler states that the best way for happiness is feeling of contribution to the community and common good. Life is series of moments called now and it is in dots and not the straight line. He adds that in general life has no meaning, only it is individual who assigns the meaning to it.

It is a good read as it introduces some new concepts which are contrary to the commonly held perception. The book being in conversational format explains the Adlerian psychology in lucid and laymen language.